I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
