"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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