i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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