I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
