Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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