Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
