You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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