I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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