Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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