2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
