There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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