I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
