I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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