I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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