He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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