I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
