I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
