Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
