how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
