every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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