i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
The Olympian is in my bed
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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