Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize