I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
