I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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