textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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