Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
