if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
