I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
