your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
