I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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