I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
not ubering you a puppy
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
