The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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