I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
