Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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