I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
