dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
