just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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