my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
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