do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize