Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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