genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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