**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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