we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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