How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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