Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
