I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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