I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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