Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
