I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
