If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
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