oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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