The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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