So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
