We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
