My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Drunk walkin through police station. America
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
