I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
