he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just googled if crying burns calories
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
